HOW TO BE MISERABLE AND ENJOY IT!
I. THINK AND TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. In every conversation, use “I”, “me” and “my” as often as possible. Center all your thoughts on your own interests, and whatever you do, do not become interested in or concerned about others. Talk about your trouble to everyone you see. It will not be long before no one will talk (or listen) to you, and then you can really be miserable (Romans 15:1-2).
2. MEASURE YOUR HAPPINESS BY TI-IE AMOUNT OF MONEY OR POSSESSIONS YOU OWN. If the first suggestion does not sound good to you, then this one will work. Compare what you have (or do not have) with everyone you know. Determine to have more or better than your neighbors and resolve not to be satisfied until you are successful. Of course, by then your neighbors will have something new, and you can start all over (Hebrews 13:5; Luke ).
3. BE SUSPICIOUS AND JEALOUS OF EVERYONE. Do not trust anyone, especially anyone who might be in competition with you. When another person receives an honor, explain to everyone that you could have done better if you had just tried. To be really miserable, you must envy everyone else their success and their happiness. That makes sense, does it not (Romans -
4. BE SENSITIVE, EASILY OFFENDED, AND IMPOSSIBLE TO BE COMFORTED. Make everyone walk on eggshells around you for fear of offending you. Make it clear to all you know that you will not take anything off anybody. Look for insults in the comments of others, even when none are intended. And then return their insults, humiliating everyone who speaks to you.
5. NEVER FORGET A CRITICISM OR ANOTHER PERSONS MISTAKES. If you want to be miserable you must have a good memory. When someone has criticized you—or even if you think they have—do not every forget it or let them forget it. And any time anyone makes a mistake, mark it down and periodically remind them of their blunder. As they say, misery loves company (Philippians 2:2-4; Colossians -14).
6. THINK THE WORST ABOUT EVERYONE. If a rumor begins about someone else, tell those you see that you suspected it all along. Expect the worst from others and you will usually get it. If possible reach the worst possible conclusion from seeing the deeds of others. If an action could have been motivated by greed or envy, assume that it is—then tell everybody (Mark -28).
7. DEMAND AGREEMENT WITH YOUR OPINIONS. Make sure everyone knows of your opinions, and then show hurt and disappointment when others disagree. Of course, you must make sure everyone knows that your superior wisdom and insight demands acceptance of your conclusions (2 John 9-I I).
8. NEVER FORGET A GOOD DEED YOU HAVE DONE. Be proud of your occasional charitable acts, and if people do not know about them—tell them. Sulk and pout if others do not go on and on and on about your goodness and righteousness while showing the appropriate gratitude (Matthew ).
9. SHIRK YOUR DUTIES WHENEVER YOU CAN. Let others know that you are too occupied in important things to be responsible for mundane matters such as helping the needy, visiting the sick, or cleaning the church building. If you cannot avoid these duties, put them off till next week or next month.
10. REFUSE TO FORGIVE OR SHOW MERCY TO ANYONE. Accept no reasons for failure in others. Make everyone aware of someone else’s mistakes and refuse to accept anything but perfection from your friends (if you have any left) and associates (Ephesians ).
Of course, you might be perfectly miserable without following these guidelines.